Peculiar Kind of Freedom

[elisah]

I am careful
To step lightly
Through tiny
Teddy bears
And trains

My hands
Too small
Too young

To fathom
The swiftness
Of departure

Then, I had
The casket closed
So you wouldn't
Get too cold

Now, I am careful
As to not linger

The sight
Of a grieving mother
So disturbing to others
Detracting from their
Own fragile
Sense of loss

I walk away...
Through life knowing
Nothing will be
This bad again

[Territorial Hawk]

Elisah,

This is beautiful. I know that's a strange thing to say, considering it's so sad and touching, but it's still beautiful.

It's perfect.

Well done.

[elisah]

Thanks Territorial Hawk
It always means
So much more
When a comment
Comes from a poet
You admire :)

[Territorial Hawk]

:blush:

[lady_alainn]

:eek:
I read this over once, twice...again and again trying to fathom the feeling of losing a child. I couldn't even imagine the grief, but you have done it so well elisah. Stunning piece with few words to express such a large emotion.

The use of careful steps, tiny bears and trains, closing the coffin from the cold--all perfect expressions of tenderness. You're right--nothing will ever be that bad again.

If you're interested in editing this piece, I had an idea, and if not just blank this part out. The second and third stanzas are so short that I thought you could put them togther for a bigger impact.

My hands
too small, too young
to fathom the swiftness
of departure.

That's all I had. This is amazing work and I look forward to reading more of it.

[elisah]

Thanks for the comments Lady_Alainn. I had actually struggled a little around the part that you mentioned so your suggestion was more than welcome. Your idea makes it flow better while keeping my basic style. Feel free to "edit" anytime. :)

[Dandylion]

heart breakingly beautiful...those last lines just grab the heart...awesome~Dandy

[elisah]

thanks deanseven and dandy...
i'd actually forgotten about this poem
so it was nice to see it resurrected...

elisa

[the_grey_girl]

beautifully written about a nightmarish subject.

[iblieve]

I am glad it was ressurrected, beautifully written and your emotions poured from the pen on to the page. iblieve

[Bryan]

very deep and touching I can relate all to well with the feeling of an unjust loss. Hit real close to home nicely done

[elisah]

thanks grey girl, iblieve, and bryan...
this is not my best subject,
and your comments mean alot.

thank you.

elisa