Beautiful Corrosion

[Tavis263]

sitting by myself
looking at an empty shelf
oh how you had a plan
in the back of your mind

i bet you knew it all the time
feel it coming on
i new it couldnt be wrong

comin on strong
you must have known it all along
as you pull away
i didnt know what else to say
so i just walked away

now im sitting here in an empty room
thoughts of the day when you was here my mind consumed

now im gonna have to leave
wouldnt want to have to grieve
as i leave it all behind
memories of a forgotten time

burry me in your past
oh how i knew it wouldnt last

where would i be
if it wasnt for you

now tell me lies and say they're true
oh how i bet you had a plan
in the back of your mind

i bet you knew it all the time

didnt know what else to say

[manic]

Travis,
I really like parts of this, you have great little ideas and images amidst all this writing. I think you're trying too hard to rhyme it and because of that it sounds a bit simple, I think you could cut a lot out of this and make a great meaningful song out of it. I can really hear this to music.

thoughts of the day when you was here my mind consumed
I'm not really sure what that line's meant to mean. I think it's obvious you've put a lot of thought and work into this to try and make it flow but I think if you tried less, it would actually flow more easily.

Hope to see more of your writing around lyrics.

-sarah

[Tavis263]

Thanks Jack and yeah, Sarah your right..though it's and old song I never really went back and polished yet... planning to soon. One of my newer ones is Cannibal Lover which is also posted here is a little more polished. Though 1 or 2 spots on it needs tweaked as well.

[Lyly]

Travis, I too like the title very much and this phrase: "now tell me lies and say they're true/oh how i bet you had a plan/in the back of your mind" I really appreciate those lines, partly because I can relate to them. Parts of it could use a bit of polishing like you said, but the core piece is awesome. glad you posted - Lyly

[Tavis263]

still have plans on polishing this one but only as
time permits... Thanks Lyly always a tough one to
go back to for me since I meant every word but I think
I was as they say " in the moment" which certainly
put a stress on what I really needed to put down.
Someday soon I'll have it fixed... Thanks for all the
help though everyone :)


Motavis
motavis@futureskully.com
http://www.motavis.com

[Tavis263]

Beautiful Corrosion
-----------------------

sitting by myself
looking at an empty shelf
oh, how you had a plan
in the back of your mind

i bet you knew it all the time
i can feel it coming on
i new it couldnt be wrong

comin on strong
you must have known it all along
as you pull away
I never found the right words to say

now im sitting here in an empty room
thoughts of the day when you was here
my mind consumed

now im gonna have to leave
wouldnt want to have to grieve
as i leave it all behind
memories of a forgotten time

just burry me in your past
oh how i knew it wouldnt last

where would i be
if it wasnt for you

now tell me lies and say they're true
oh how i bet you had a plan
in the back of your mind

i bet you knew it all the time

didnt know what else to say


-------------------------------------
it was tough still re-writing this one
still a little close to the subject and
also any help with phrasing etc would
be appreciated... Thanks again