Venting and clearing my head

It feels strange, being here in this skin after all these years. Despite the reassurances I'm not that old, "Still in my 20s" I keep telling myself, they keep telling me, but that doesn't mean to seem all that much. I felt so old by the time I hit my 20s, I guess I tried to get every experience I could, and in a way I still do. This is just another adventure, they're all adventures, but there's an element of caution now. I've learned responsibility, I've learned consequence, betrayal, waiting, action, and strangely, a kind of authority that never came naturally to me before. And I know becoming a mother didn't end my life, and I know it didn't really limit my options, it's just that I don't want to screw this up. It's not just myself I'm making bad decisions for anymore, and I'm not sure I know any other kind to make. Maybe it's time to become more reserved, start acting like a normal human being, but it just keeps adding up. More one night stands, more mistakes, more options which I don't feel I have any way of knowing what's right or what's wrong. I think back on my best experiences (before the big love that tore everything down) and they're no longer possible, they were all mistakes, but I have such a hard time thinking of them that way, because they had purpose, they taught me things, I had FUN. It seems sometimes the things I shouldn't regret I do, and the things I should, I try, but I just don't. For me alone, it was worth it, so maybe I just have to slow down, not stop it altogether. There's just so much more out there, and I feel I wasted so much time with someone who could never appreciate me for what I really am, I couldn't be myself around, I lost myself in it. But that brings those things a bit more harshness, what if what I am is just, terrible, what if wanting these experiences really does make me a bad person, a loser? Yeah, there were some times that had bad consequences, and yes, maybe I'm romanticizing because it seems like there's so little to me anymore. I forget who I am still, partially because I'm not sure I was anyone who was worth being, and besides, people change. It's been long enough. It's been almost a year since I've had my ring back, and the legality will be finished next month, shouldn't it have been long enough for me to find myself? And I do have some nights without responsibility, and occasionally days, but I'm always thinking of what's going to happen now, I no longer have the luxury of doing what I really want to do, going where I please at any given time. I guess that's a part of it, and it may get easier as the years go along. Maybe it really hasn't been as long as it feels like it has, because certainly, if nothing else, it's been a terribly long few years, filled with doubt and loss and questioning and joy and growth and accomplishment, let alone a completely new identity in life, the most important I've ever had. Sometimes I really like where I've ended up, and I do love my daughter, more than I thought I could ever love anyone. And I've felt the loss of love the way I've never felt before. How do you reconcile those things? How do I get out from under the confusion and loss of faith in the way I spent three years of my life, important years. I feel I wasted a good portion of my youth for reasons I can't even be sure of anymore. I didn't even keep my name. Well, I kept one name, and I don't think anyone would want to take that from me, but I haven't even always had that one. Where is the permanence? The theoretical stability I'm supposed to feel by this point? Where's the freaking door? I need a drink.. But that's not what these nights are for, that's not what this frame of mind is for. There's a perfect clarity in this sobriety, simply tired and frustrated and.. hopeful? That maybe there's something better out there, maybe there's an experience worth having. Maybe even what I considered a waste of time, was an experience, or series of experiences, even the end, even this last year, that might be worth something. In a way, I feel so weak, so powerless, because there really isn't all that much I can do about my concrete logical situation. I'm broke, well below the poverty line. Even if I could get out, I couldn't do much, but then, isn't that how it's always been? Or in a way, maybe I'm doing now what I have always wanted to do, just lay low, pretend to live a calm life. I will always find drama, even sitting in my dining room, I could send messages to any of a hundred different people and cause myself about a hundred different kinds of problems. Or maybe all I need is to get out for one night. It's been months since I've really been out of my shell. Maybe next weekend..