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Old 07-23-2003, 04:26 PM   #1
Wylde
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Default cardboard thrones

.

[let]

kamikaze eyes dance sepiku
with embalmed arms
bearing lacquered charms

freed from shackles cordoned view

[while]

sculptured winds drape
fluid formless sounds
shivered in panaromic shapes

buried in laughed enigmatic fingered profounds

[yet]

the measure of censure
and yardsticks of bone
skull sensual treasures

to limbless kings on cardboard thrones


.
 
Old 07-24-2003, 03:49 PM   #2
John G.Hall
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Default scatteredleaves

Lovely images, connections are shed here, the lines stand alone,linked by the space and pause.The eye flows around the poets tour as you point out items of interest.

Hard thing attempted here, chances taken always worth it.



JGH
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Old 07-25-2003, 06:16 AM   #3
luvleerenee
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Wylde,
Another one that I have read and read again. An immersing write!
I loved the rhyme scheme that danced throughout, the entire piece moved and swayed gracefully. Well done, sir.

(I must confess my ignorance: Sepiku? What does that mean, can you enlighten me? I tried to understand the word contextually, but I can not, so darkness falls.)

cordoned view, ah when is dinner ... loved that wordplay, Wylde and
panaromic those lines emcompassed every sense: the feel, the sight, the sounds, the smells and the taste of saying them out loud ... and I like the way it followed view - that really widened the angles, imho.

Probably just me, but I liked
fluid formless sound [s]

sound shivered/ spoke to my ears more fully, the pause maybe?

Laughter in this line:
buried in laughed enigmatic fingered profounds
made for my only stumble in this piece. I can't quite put my finger on why though ... I read through without that word, and I like it better, probably the 'in enig' *just a thought*

The ending was superb, so lyrical, it just sings.

Fine work! Disregard any suggest that doesn't appeal.

Reneé
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Old 07-25-2003, 08:04 AM   #4
Wylde
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John G. & Reneé:- thank you both for your inputs. muchly appreciated.

this is one of my more *obviously* 'structured' pieces and as such i wasnt sure if it was overly done. i enjoyed bringing in the japanese imagery as it augmented for me the feel of [self]discipline - that was part and parcel of the pieces construction. as well as in the meaning of meaning for and of the piece.

i had misgivings about the [let] ; [while] ; [yet] - and wonder if they should be omitted altogether?

Reneé, im delighted the "cordoned view" was not too oblique and that you picked up on the illusory feast!

..sound[s] seemed to me to add to the alliteration & onomatopoeic presence of a shuffling wind.. i will let this stew in my head fer a bits.

"buried in laughed enigmatic fingered profounds" - i think you have nailed the one part of the piece that is too awkward for me. thanks for the suggests. again i will let it simmer a while and cogitate the change.

and. here is a pretty decent link to "sepiku" [alt sp seppuku]

http://victorian.fortunecity.com/duc...0/seppuku.html

i vill be bak.
 
Old 07-25-2003, 12:37 PM   #5
luvleerenee
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Wylde thanks for the link! It truly has shed light for me. I had looked the word up in the dictionary to no avail, it was not an entry. I thought maybe I'd seek counsel in the Wylde's Dictionary, but alas, it is not in print yet. Seriously, the link provided great insight into this piece, made it even clearer ... made each word resonates with meaning. At least for me. I should have picked up on the kamikaze reference, looking back now, I do not know why I didn't.

Personally I liked the [yet] [while] [let]. It stopped the energy flow enough to experience a sort of interlude between the sets. And the words themselves sort of continued the flow of rhyme, albeit indirectly. Like a poem within a poem. To me, anyway. (I probably see through strange goggles though)

The sound without the plural was just a tiny nitpik. I almost didn't even voice it, but yet ... that itching need to scratch an itch, you know?

I love this one Wylde. Not only nit pick, but staff pick material.

Reneé
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