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Old 12-02-2003, 04:39 AM   #1
Spiros Zafiris
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Default Another Demonic Episode..repost; slightly revised

Once, long ago,
I woke up
and noticed
—the top of my left hand had been
scratched alarmingly by four fiery claws.
—From the top of my wrist to my knuckles,
stood these precision-made, crusty, red scars.

I lay there and wondered.
Slowly, I started to remember the
sleep attack.
—How the satanic wildcats
gnawed, chewed, and tore into my body;
patently and fiercely
attempted to destroy my trust in God and
make me say, "yes, I am convinced
—I am terrified enough; I will walk for you."

Another person may have been totally
overwhelmed with fear by such an experience.
But I had smiled inwardly for I knew I was protected
by my guiding spirit and the rest of
The Kind Forces of The Almighty.

The demonic would have caused much more harm
had their powers not been curtailed.
I knew this,
even before I verified with my guiding spirit.

**** **** ****

..circa 2002..(first) Copyright 2002 Spiros Zafiris
..poem archived in several other sites

Last edited by Spiros Zafiris; 12-02-2003 at 04:52 AM.
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Old 12-04-2003, 02:59 AM   #2
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Spiros;- the felt like being in a tunnel. being wooshed along each descriptive turn. some of the turns were a tad predictable, but the integrity of the source overcame this for me.
i really do believe this could be a compact piece better delivered in prose, rather than verse, perhaps.
as you know i read all your work. and always feel better for doing so.
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Old 12-04-2003, 08:58 AM   #3
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Spiros, you pulled me through the poem. I think the last stanza reads as an aside, and diminishes the power of the piece. There are too many dashes here, and cause the poem to halt. Here is a condensed recast; ideas for your use as you see fit:

Once, long ago, I woke up and noticed
the top of my left hand had been scratched
by four fiery claws. From the top of my wrist
to my knuckles, precision-made, crusty, red scars.

I lay there and wondered. Slowly, I started
to remember the sleep attack, how the satanic
wildcats gnawed, chewed, and tore into my body,
patently and fiercely. They attempted to destroy
my trust in God and make me say, "Yes, I am convinced;
I am terrified enough; I will walk for you."

Another person may have been totally overwhelmed
with fear by such an experience, but I had smiled
inwardly, for I knew I was protected by my guiding
spirit, and the rest of The Kind Forces of The Almighty.

L.
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Old 12-04-2003, 02:48 PM   #4
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..WyldeStorms..+..loisseau../\..thank you, both, for
reading and commenting..always pleases much when you do..

..and thanks, loisseau, for your condensed recast; they
always interest me very much..


../\..Spiros


----------------------trees------------
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Old 12-04-2003, 03:00 PM   #5
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..loisseau..i guess i'll have to rewrite your recast
on a left, blank page of my workbook, with my version
on the right side..to better decide on any changes..
..more work..shhheeesh...first, a coffee..

../\..Spiros


---------------calm-------
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Old 12-15-2003, 02:49 PM   #6
Ben Grader
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The first three lines in their shortness are rather unsettling and I feel that they would be better if written

Once, long ago, I woke up and noticed
—the top of my left hand had been
scratched alarmingly by four fiery claws.
—From the top of my wrist to my knuckles,
with precision-made, crusty, red scars.

'Precision-like' better?

I lay there and wondered. Slowly, I started
to remember the sleep attack, how the satanic
wildcats gnawed, chewed, and tore into my body,
patently and fiercely. They attempted to destroy
my trust in God and make me say, "Yes, I am convinced;
I am terrified enough; I will walk for you."

I don't altogether like the expression 'sleep attack' it seems almost as though you were attacked by sleep, if read the wrong way.
Would this be more readable as
I lay there and wondered. Slowly I remembered
the attack when (or as) I slept,

Also why 'walk for you' would 'work for you' give a better conception of surrender?

Having stated that - I like this work's main theme, vunerability when sleeping but built in resistance. I agree with loisseau's idea about the irregularity of the second verse's lines and have altered it accordingly after reading the comments.
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Old 12-15-2003, 11:40 PM   #7
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..Ben Grader../\..thank you, much, for taking the
time to comment....i like most of your suggestions,
particularly the one concerning the start of
poem and there where you have placed 'patently
and fiercely'..

..'walk for you' is clear enough, for me; and, i
like 'sleep attack' although sleep isn't an
adjective--perhaps i'll coin a new phrase..

..thanks again; 'tis much appreciated..


../\..Spiros

--------------------trees-----------
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Old 12-18-2003, 11:02 AM   #8
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Captivating thoughts!
I agree with the suggestion that prose might suit this piece better. Rather conversational.
(Although the other suggestions are nice, too.)
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Old 12-19-2003, 11:26 PM   #9
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..Yalith../\..thanks for reading + commenting; 'tis
appreciated..yes, some pretty good suggestions
have been made..


../\..Spiros


---------------------trees--------
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Old 12-22-2003, 08:41 AM   #10
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Spiros,
Have these episodes really happened to you? Very interesting stuff.
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Old 12-23-2003, 07:37 PM   #11
Spiros Zafiris
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..Yalith../\..yea, i've had quite a few encounters
with the negatives; the one i describe in poem,
one of them..i'm pleased to say, it hasn't happened
in a while..sometimes, when they would attack me too
fiercely, in my sleep, my guiding spirit would speak,
in my ear, in the clearest voice, and would say:
"There is only one God," over and over, and the
demonic would have no choice but to loosen their
grip and return to from where they came..

../\..Spiros

-------------------calm------------
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